be with me

When Jesus is brought before the high priest, he says to him "why do you question me?" For as he points out "he had never spoken in secret." He could ask me the same, “why do you question me?” He has stated it in black and white, there is a love, a heavenly, divine Father love, likened to the very love he loved his Son with, bestowed on me from before the very creation of the world.

Before worlds or stars or galaxies were conceived, I was imagined and loved. Before any vapor of his breath had begun to congeal the universe, I was in his heart. I was known, I was seen, I was desired by a being so magnificent, so unthinkably glorious, so perfectly lovely. A love so fierce, between Father and divine Son, an eternal furious love, a feeling of infinite scale, a pounding heart that would rend time and space. As that love also is his love for me?

Yes, I question it! I flee at the sound of your voice and I hide myself. I say depart from me for I am a sinner, a man of unclean word and thoughts, who lives with sinners. I cannot even imagine myself remotely worthy of such a powerful love.

I could not be an atheist, nor even an agnostic. I have tasted too much heavenly glory, sensed too much the near and favoring hand of God. But sometimes, my heart, overwhelmed by the magnitude of this truth, cannot bare it. I would flee to the safety of non-belief. I would hide from the intense and penetrating gaze. I would flee to some safer ground. For there is nothing safe in so magnificent and intense a love.

The is no ambiguity in what Jesus has said. He has spoken openly and plainly. I am loved as he is loved, with no common love. I am loved from an eternal Father's swollen heart, a great big love from an immense heart. I fill that heart with desire, and I have filled it in his imagination from ages past, a desire so strong he has dreamed of it for eons. I do not fully know how God can love like that, but I do know he does, and he has said it through his Son so clearly.